My major reason for doing this particular blog is premised on a conversation I had with a guy some time aback. Not the entire conversation but a few words registered with me. This is how it went:
Me: “So if your woman does not want to have sex with you what would you do?”
Guy: “ I will take it. I am doing everything in the relationship and she doesn’t want to give me sex! No! I am taking it.”
To be honest, I was totally disgusted by his reply. In addition to that it was a trigger. A trigger reminding me of the few ‘fools’ I have encountered in past relationships. Particularly one situation. I am heterosexual but it is important to note that this can occur in homosexual relationships also. I have personally witnessed this issue with a lesbian couple. They were my neighbors and one of them confided in me. As a result, I would assume that there is the possibility of this same type of abuse happening with two men in a relationship (if i am wrong leave a comment below). After all, we all are humans so it is expected.
Let us delve a bit deeper. Usually when one partner thinks that they have a right to violate the other sexually, that individual has the tendency to be abusive or is a monster manipulator. Answer this question.
Would a non violent person forcefully take sex from you?
When I listened to testimonials of wives being raped and beaten by their partners, they had one thing in common. The male started by being emotionally or verbally abusive. In other cases it started with the emotional or verbal abuse accompanied by a slap occasionally. Then one day the life changing event occurred. The abuser got an excuse to be triggered and then beats and performs various sexual activities without consent. In most cases, the abusee is fearful at the point in time when the violation takes place. As a result, the abusee submits to the rape and pray that they live through that terrifying moment. In most of the marital sexual abuse stories I perused I notice that justice only happened after the nightmare was over because they could not have retaliated at the point in time due to the fact that they were the weaker party. In most cases they are weaker physically and also mentally. Also the abuser usually has some sort of psychopathic or sociopathic tendencies.
After all this is a blog, let me tell you a personal story. I remembered I was in a very unhealthy situation and one night the abuser wanted to regain power so he attacked me and forced his penis into my rectum. Yes, you heard right! That was horrifying! That situation was dealt with but the fact is that I could not have dealt with the situation there and then because I was physically weaker.
So this leads us to some other points! You hear foolish statements like:
1. If he doesn’t beat me, he doesn’t
love me (worst one of all the possible
reasons)
2. Well, we are married or he is doing
everything for me so he have the right for
sex
3. Well, the bible says you should not
deprive your partner of sex
Firstly, love is not abusive or takes advantage of another. Secondly, a marriage is a relationship that is premised on trust, understanding, respect, compromise and love. Thirdly, the bible do suggest that we not withhold sex from our partner unless you agree to do so but the same bible says that males should love their wives with a self sacrificing love and that wives should respect their husbands. Trust me, self sacrificing love and respect don’t add up to another partner raping and beating the other!
Also, it is UNLAWFUL to forcefully take sex from someone even if you are married or cohabitating. I will say it again. It is unlawful to forcefully take sex (rape) from someone even if you are married or cohabitating!
The following is an excerpt from https://caribbean.unwomen.org/en/caribbean-gender-portal/caribbean-gbv-law-portal/gbv-country-resources/trinidad-and-tobago
“Previously the law only recognised that sexual intercourse between husband and wife could be non consensual in very limited circumstances, including where there was a separation or a decree nisi was in effect. The law now fully recognizes rape within marriage and makes no distinction between non consensual sexual intercourse between persons who are married or cohabiting…...”
In essence, take heed to what I am going to say following this sentence. Abuser, you have a problem therefore you should seek help through counselling or seek help in whatever way you can that best suits you. To the abusee, if you are in that situation seek help from both friends and legal advisors. Abusee, if you intend to stay in that situation and you could do better, wake up, seek professional counselling to figure out where the root of the problem lies and burn it straight to the core.
At the end of the day, our journey is to be better people, to be a better version of ourselves today than yesterday. This blog wasn’t to ridicule anyone but for us to be better. As I said in my prior blog, I will say it again, these are just thoughts from a normal trini gyal. I am not a professional but I have lived and gained experience from life.
#abuse #marraige #commonlaw #sex #rape #powerstruggle #selfworth #growth
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@keturahgamba
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